Kayla. Party of 1...hopefully not forever

I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness today. It wasn't a sense of missing something, but just of loneliness. Thoughts crossed my mind of contacting ex's who are still chasing me, because I know they would come over in a heartbeat. The thing stopping me is the fact that if I repeat the past I might miss out on a person who will be amazing for me.

Everyday I face the world thinking I might meet him today... clearly I haven't been right yet, but someday I will be. You would think I would pay more attention to my appearance when I leave my house. But at the same time I also don't want them to think I am dolled up all the time and expect it. I am a tomboy at heart and I love not wearing makeup and wearing baggy sweatpants. If I were a guy I would be pretty disappointed if the girl I was dating looked like a 10 all the time, but then after a few months realize she would rather look like a couch potato. I just play it safe and run right in the middle 90% of my life and the other 10% I pull out all the stops and look like a Million Bucks!

Rough 6 months and the road is only getting bumpier... but the highway is up ahead.

I am going to take a different route with my blog. I have never been the one to write down everything going on in my life, maybe thats the problem... I have never had an outlet to express myself. I have always been the fixer of problems for the people in my life. Never allowing myself to burden them with mine. I can count on one hand the number of times my family has been a huge part of a struggle in my life. One of them being 6 months ago, when my boyfriend of a year decided to leave me with no warning. I have never been hurt or caught of guard as much as I was that November evening. Enough on that!

Right now my life is going on one day at a time. I am still not myself after the break up. I have had a "boyfriend" since him. I don't trust anyone right now which makes allowing myself to be myself difficult. I thought focusing on something besides being alone would help, but it only made me miss my ex more. I thought I was over him, but I am not quite there. I think of him less and less, but I spend several moments each day thinking of him. Mostly, I try to understand why it happened. I am happy it ended when it did since he clearly had doubts I didn't, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to love someone with no reservations and realize it isn't reciprocated.

I am allowing myself to deal with this whole situation 100%. I am not covering up anything. I am being honest with myself. I don't distract myself with going out if I don't feel like it. I am not craving attention from men... I actually would prefer less. I just want to heal 100% before I have another man falls in love with me. I want to limit my baggage to a carry-on size to give the next man in my life a chance to make me happy. I am scared i won't trust again. 

So I spend a lot of time alone with my dog, watching re-runs of my favorite childhood shows, sit on my deck and watch the city, I take long baths, shop online and run. I have no regrets on how I am living my life right now. My friends all make fun of me because I go to bed early and stay in most nights, but I am dealing with this the way I want to. It may not be healthy or understood, but for the first time in my life I am not caring what other people think. And if you know me you know that that is a challenge for me and a huge step in the right direction.