Kayla. Party of 1...hopefully not forever

I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness today. It wasn't a sense of missing something, but just of loneliness. Thoughts crossed my mind of contacting ex's who are still chasing me, because I know they would come over in a heartbeat. The thing stopping me is the fact that if I repeat the past I might miss out on a person who will be amazing for me.

Everyday I face the world thinking I might meet him today... clearly I haven't been right yet, but someday I will be. You would think I would pay more attention to my appearance when I leave my house. But at the same time I also don't want them to think I am dolled up all the time and expect it. I am a tomboy at heart and I love not wearing makeup and wearing baggy sweatpants. If I were a guy I would be pretty disappointed if the girl I was dating looked like a 10 all the time, but then after a few months realize she would rather look like a couch potato. I just play it safe and run right in the middle 90% of my life and the other 10% I pull out all the stops and look like a Million Bucks!

Rough 6 months and the road is only getting bumpier... but the highway is up ahead.

I am going to take a different route with my blog. I have never been the one to write down everything going on in my life, maybe thats the problem... I have never had an outlet to express myself. I have always been the fixer of problems for the people in my life. Never allowing myself to burden them with mine. I can count on one hand the number of times my family has been a huge part of a struggle in my life. One of them being 6 months ago, when my boyfriend of a year decided to leave me with no warning. I have never been hurt or caught of guard as much as I was that November evening. Enough on that!

Right now my life is going on one day at a time. I am still not myself after the break up. I have had a "boyfriend" since him. I don't trust anyone right now which makes allowing myself to be myself difficult. I thought focusing on something besides being alone would help, but it only made me miss my ex more. I thought I was over him, but I am not quite there. I think of him less and less, but I spend several moments each day thinking of him. Mostly, I try to understand why it happened. I am happy it ended when it did since he clearly had doubts I didn't, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to love someone with no reservations and realize it isn't reciprocated.

I am allowing myself to deal with this whole situation 100%. I am not covering up anything. I am being honest with myself. I don't distract myself with going out if I don't feel like it. I am not craving attention from men... I actually would prefer less. I just want to heal 100% before I have another man falls in love with me. I want to limit my baggage to a carry-on size to give the next man in my life a chance to make me happy. I am scared i won't trust again. 

So I spend a lot of time alone with my dog, watching re-runs of my favorite childhood shows, sit on my deck and watch the city, I take long baths, shop online and run. I have no regrets on how I am living my life right now. My friends all make fun of me because I go to bed early and stay in most nights, but I am dealing with this the way I want to. It may not be healthy or understood, but for the first time in my life I am not caring what other people think. And if you know me you know that that is a challenge for me and a huge step in the right direction.

I am in a really weird place in my life right now. There are so many things going great, but I can't get excited about them. I am pushing the people that care about me away, everything irritates me and I want to be alone all the time. This is totally not like me. I am trying all things I can think of to get me out of this funk but nothing is working. If anything, the more I try the more irritated I get which in turn make me no fun to be around. Hopefully soon this all subsides and I can enjoy all of wonderful things in my life again!!!!

ROOMMATE?

When my brother, Garrett told me he was going to move to Chicago, I was in shock. I was in the process of looking for a new apartment, just like every other renting Chicagoan in April. In those few words the entire dynamics of my search changed. Instead of looking for a cozy 1 bedroom I could afford...I was now looking for a 2 bedroom I could afford. He was moving here with no job and an anticipation of finishing grad school. So I wasn't sure what I could count on him to contribute to living expenses.

Putting monetary worries aside...there was another fear that loomed over my head. When I left home 8 years ago, I left my relationship with Garrett hanging on by a thread. When I was a senior in High School he was a freshman trying to make a name for himself and trying his hardest not to be tied to me in anyway. I was not the perfect student/teenager, I partied, snuck around and dated guys that were in no way a positive influence in my life. I don't blame him for not wanting to be tied to me. Don't get me wrong I was semi-popular, had tons of friends and played sports, but he was an amazing athlete and student. I was his polar opposite. Another knife in our relationship was the fact I disliked his girlfriend, he "loved". I didn't keep it to myself the disgust I had for her, which in turn created a huge rift. Later on in college that rift would worm it's way through my entire family and almost cause catastrophe. The longest time I spent with my brother since leaving college is possibly 10 days a year when we were home at the same time. These were all causes for concern. Not only for us but what would this mean for my personal/social life. I don't have boyfriend, but what if I met someone?Do I Need to explain? What if I wanted to go out with my friends and can't invite him? Would I be supporting him, could I afford to support him? There were so many concerns...

More important than my concerns are the positive possibilities. Create the relationship I forfeited when I moved away. I always had someone to explore the city with. I would finally have someone in the city who truly knows me and cares about me...not saying my close friends don't, but they are all busy people. Not to mention he will become my screening process for men I date...if it get serious enough for me to introduce them. I learned not to rush into that! Thanks Kalvin:)

When I walked into this apartment I knew this would work. It was a one bedroom condo with a large den. Perfect, Garrett had a room and I could afford the rent on my own if need be!!!! It all became real when my mom came to move me and with her came a bed. We put his room together and that was that...I would have a roommate once again!

He moved in a few weeks later, it started out feeling like he was visiting. I went to work, he would meet me after.If I had the day off we went out and about in the city, we tried restaurants, all things we have done when he has visited prior. Soon he found a great job and started getting into his own routine. I have alone time in the apartment, but we hang out when we can. We go out to dinner and go grocery shopping all things you would do with a roommate. Oh yeah he can split the rent...amazing!

I love being the big sister that got my brother to leave the comfort of the known in Iowa. We are from a small close knit community in Iowa and it is rare people leave the confines of the state. He has a past he wanted to leave in Iowa and I am more that happy to share the city I know and hopefully always call home.

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what in the middle that counts."

The Mighty Oak

The weary wind gave up and spoke "How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The Oak tree said "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway, but I have roots stretched into the earth, growing stronger since birth." You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest parts of me. Until today I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure, but I've found with thanks to you.
I'm stronger then a mighty wind that blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away then it snapped it's branches and pulled it's bark until the oak tree was tired and stark, but still the oak tree held it's ground while other trees fell all around.

Ponder

The more my life goes not the more I learn about myself and at the same time the more frustrated I get. Life is about finding yourself, but in my life it is about waiting for someone to point out my flaws and teach me a lesson with them. I know I am not perfect but just one I would like to permission to think I am. Arrogance is a virtue that many forget about, I just want to live my life how I want, not feeling like I have to prove myself, change my attitude towards things, give people second chances, or be someone I am not. I just want to be ME. Me, Kayla from Iowa, who loves volleyball, art, and fresh cut grass. And the only people I want in my life are people with similar interest, that have no motivation to change me. Why is that so hard to find?